Marriages of Hatred, Disguised in Words of Love
For this cause shall a man leave....
[Gen 2:24]

Marriage is an institution that has been a part of the human family for as long as human beings have been grouped in families. And although marriages are in trouble worldwide, the institution will be with us in some way until Jesus returns and changes the very fabric of human life.

Marriage is the oldest institution known to man; created by God for man when He perceived Adam was lonely and needed a helpmate, God had another reason for this institution as well. God used marriage to symbolize and depict the relationship of Christ to the Church in the present and in eternity, which I will address later in this discussion. [Eph. 5:32]

But in the church today, in spite of marriage being an institution God ordained, God prescribes the conditions and terms of marriage, and in spite of its symbolic nature and the rules God has prescribed, Christians are universally having serious problems with their marriages. Those problems range from who should and are eligible to marry, the terms and conditions of those marriages, to other almost limitless problems. If there is one place where Satan seems to have the upper hand among saints, it is in marriage.

A fact that has become clear to me after observing many marriages among God's people is that Christian marriages among supposedly Bible-believing Christians are too many times unhappy, troubled, and not in accord with the Word of God in many ways. Yet we are marrying and giving ourselves in marriages, but we find no comfort in these multiple (1) marriages. [Lk. 17:27] And there is a great pretense by many that their marriages are secure and happy--how many preachers have I heard touting the love they have in their marriages but when examined privately those marriages are on the verge of dissolution and are little more than houses of pain for one or both parties?

Because most of the marriages in the Church of the Living God are so fractured and painful, even though we often lie about that fact, I have labeled this analysis Marriages of Hatred, Disguised in Words of Love.

I. A Helpmate: Biblical Origins of Marriage
The Bible says that God saw that it was not good that man was alone. Man had no one who was on his level with whom he could satisfy and meet certain human needs. And from that passage in Genesis, we are able to see that all human beings have human needs God designed within them; one such human need is companionship. Indeed, a universal notion/concepts present in all of us is the desire to be a part of a group because the group is viewed as right. (2) Having placed such a need in man, God said, "It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him." [Gen. 2:18] God made animals and creatures from the ground and brought them to Adam, but the Scripture says, "…none was found for him." [Gen. 2:20]

Thereafter, God put Adam into a deep sleep and took one of Adam's ribs to make his companion. That companion was brought to Adam, and he named her woman because she was of and from him. Adam accepted the woman as a part of him, although separate from him. [Gen. 2:21-23] This is how this union between man and woman began. It was a God-act, hence it was also about God.

In God's plan we should note that God made the woman expressly for the man, not the man for the woman. The woman was not created first but second. The woman was created after Adam had observed and named all the other creatures God made that were insufficient as mates. The Bible says that none was found for him. And since none was found appropriate, God took from the man He had made and made a woman for the man and of the man's own flesh. Please note the symbolism of Christ and the Church here!

Again note, the woman was made for man as his helpmate. The reverse is not true; man was not given to the woman as her helpmate, and Paul lingers on this idea in the New Testament. He tells the Corinthians, "...the woman is the glory of the man. For the man is not of the woman, but the woman of the man. Neither was the man created for the woman, but woman for the man." [1 Cor. 11:7-9] A man is not a woman's helpmate, but the woman is the man's helpmate. This is an important distinction God makes for us, but it is a distinction many overlook.

God made Man for His glory; then He made the woman for man's glory--never the reverse, but the reverse is what we have today in too many churches and in too many marriages. The Bible says that this earth has been turned upside down, that the foundations are out of course. [Ps.82:5] As a result of that confused state of things, many women feel that men were made for their glory or as their helpmates, but that is not the teaching of God's word.

Another point that should be observed is that God allowed man to chose among other animals as helpmates, but Adam found nothing that was compatible; only a woman was compatible as a helpmate in those intimate and varied ways a man needs help--not an animal and certainly not another man. [See No Man with Man] And since this is the original construct of God, the doctrine of first mention lays out that construct and method of marriage-coupling viewed thereafter in Scriptures.

In Genesis, God gave no formal ceremony for marriage, He merely gave the woman to the man, and it is written by Moses, "Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother and shall cleave unto his wife and they shall be one flesh." This statement does not seem to have been spoken by Adam, hence, it was written by Moses many years after creation. Indeed, it was by far too premature for Adam. But the statement is used today in many marriage ceremonies, even though there is no formal way prescribed in the Bible--new or old--for conducting a marriage ceremony. A marriage ceremony is formed by custom.

In sum, a woman is given to a man as a helpmate to assist him in the areas he needs and requests help--that was God's construction of this male/female arrangement we call marriage. And although marriage has evolved since that time, there are strict and prescribed rules and aspects relating to marriage that God himself has placed on this union. [Here I ask that you not assume I am saying something I am not saying. What I have to say in this discussion will not be said through implications or any other indirect technique; I will be plain and up front in speaking God's word.]

II. The Prescription of God concerning Marriage
As we read in the old concerning marriage, there were certain aspects that God set in order merely by doing; namely, men take women as their partners/wives/helpmates, not other men or animals. The actions of God are a way He speaks, but God also spoke through his holy prophets and apostles concerning marriage and gave certain rules concerning who should and who should not marry. Who should and who should not marry was a problem for the Children of Israel, as it is a problem for the New Testament church, even unto this day.

It is not a problem because God's Word is not clear on the issue of who should and who should not be married; it is a problem because men want to do what they want to do, in spite of what God has said they should and must do. And they want God to accept and sanction their actions. These desires fly in the face of God's word because His ways are not our ways, and His thoughts are not ours. They are decidedly different.

God spoke through His holy apostles about New Testament marriage in clear and decisive terms. He has said Christians, those who name the name of Christ and depart from evil, should not be unequally yoked to unbelievers. In today's terminology that means that a Christian who marries someone who is not a Christian is paired unequally with an unbelieving partner. Christians should not marry those who are not Christians--they should not be unequally yoked/paired/bound together. [2Cor.6:14]

So the first aspect of marriage was that God said that it was not good for man to be alone; (3) second, God brought to man various animals, and Adam found none appropriate for a mate; third, God took of man's body and made a female helpmate for Adam, and God brought her to Adam, and he named the female woman; fourth, even though the male has stronger muscles than a female, God still gave the woman as the helpmate for the man, not the man for the woman. That is the way it is set forth in Genesis, from the beginning.

Beyond those principles in Genesis, a believer cannot look outside of the household of faith for a marriage partner. In the Old Testament God warned his small band of followers about marrying unacceptable women who would turn their hearts away from God unto idols. The patriarchs of old directed their children to certain marriage arrangements. Likewise, New Testament Christians are also directed by the apostles to certain marriage mates. Not only are they directed to certain mates but they are proscribed in their marriages.

The Scripture says be not unequally yoked. That is the first New Testament rule. Unequally yoked, however, has greater implications than mere yoking with one who believes in Christ. There are greater truths and complications to marriage that we will discuss later. The second New Testament rule is how a wife/mate should be found. The Scriptures teaches that he that finds a wife finds a good thing. The pronoun he is male in gender and is intended that way because it is part of what God is saying, namely this, it is uncomely to have a woman/sister on the prowl, out looking for a husband. If she does she casts herself not as a worthy potential mate but as something else completely. This is a protocol that God has issued.

He that finds a wife finds a good thing. The brother desirously looking for a wife finds something precious when he finds that wife. But that brother who is found by that sister hunting a husband, the Bible does not say he finds anything or that she finds anything. What we know, however, is that the husband has been found by an aggressive woman, and that portends poorly upon the future of that marriage. That female discoverer of a husband may well become the major torturer of that husband. On the other hand, many aggressive sisters have secured themselves husbands in name only and may have secured their own nightmares. A good man or a virtuous woman allows his/her footsteps to be ordered by God and not his or her sensual desires, as we know many of marriages are the result of.

Far too many marriages in our churches have been cemented by sensual desires rather than Godly means. Many sensually propelled Christians have forsaken the first admonition to stay within the sheepfold in finding a mate; second, many have not conformed to God's protocols for securing a mate: females have actively gone out after husbands of their dreams, which are never within God's prescription. As a result of their sensual rather than godly protocols, most of those marriages are in shambles this very hour. The men of the dreams have become men of the nightmares--they won't work, they won't help parent the children, they won't or can't guide and teach the family, and they may even become physically and verbally abusive. The female's recipe for securing what she wants may be a recipe for disaster.

Many think that because they stay within the sheepfold in their search, they cannot go wrong. That certainly is a mistake as well. It is not right to go contrary to God's word in securing a husband even within the sheepfold. So even though a sister stays within the sheepfold in her search for a husband, her process is not correct from the start of her search. And if her beginning is contrary to God's word, how can she end up in conformity if she continues to travel on this road that should not have been taken? All things must be done decently and in order; in the order of God's Word, line upon line, precept upon precept, here a little there a little. [Isa. 28:10; 1Cor.14:40] One must find a wife in the sheepfold of believers; the finder must be the man and not the woman.

III. Internal Qualifications for Marriage
Beyond the initial qualifications discussed above, God has set other qualifications that impact upon our suitability and eligibility for marriage. Because most saints (a term I use interchangeably with Christian) come out of many situations and conditions, their behavior has to be renewed when coming to Christ and in this body of Christ. When in the world, we did whatever came to our minds, but in the family of God, we live by a different code and a different set of standards. And often the set of standards we bring into the church, expecting God to accept them, are of the old world; He won't accept our standards! [Isa. 64:6]

Once in the Church of God, there are prescribed rules we must follow concerning marriage and all other matters because we are transformed. [Rom. 12:2]

The Bible teaches that we must remain in marriages we are in when coming to Christ, if the unsaved partner is pleased to dwell with us. But if that person is not pleased and departs, let him/her depart, a brother or sister is not bound under such conditions. If one is not bound, that one is free; such a person therefore is eligible to remarry in Christ. That remarriage, however, should be done with great discretion based on his or her particular circumstances and the impact such a marriage would have upon the body of Christ. [1Cor.7:12-15; 1Pet.3:7]

The Bible says if he/she is pleased to dwell, let him, but if he/she departs, one is not bound under such conditions. "If he be pleased to dwell" is the operative expression that requires definition. One is not pleased to dwell with another if he/she physically abuses that person; one is not pleased to dwell with another if he/she is unfaithful and physically harms another through that unfaithfulness, assuming that the saved party has done nothing to prompt the unsaved party's infidelity. There may be other conditions that indicate one is not pleased to dwell with the saved party--adultery, fornication, abuse of children, etc. Some of these matters may be matters of law and not of religion; all of these matters must be examined carefully and honestly, using God's Word as our guide.

One married to an unsaved person cannot drive the unsaved away and expect he/she is free. The word depart implies a voluntary leaving, not a pushing away. A person can be pushed away in various ways, and a child of God must make sure that he/she is not pushing an unsaved partner away. If one is pushed away simply because the child of God is now a child of God, that is not pushing away as such. A saint must make sure she/he has behaved himself/herself in full accord with the word of God in that marriage, regardless of the unsaved nature of his/her partner; a saint of God must be blameless in the departure of an unsaved mate to be free to remarry; his/her actions must have comported perfectly with the Word of God in spirit and in the letter, if he/she is to invoke this Scripture's freedom.

Usually remarriage is where many Christians are in violation of God's word. This is the thorny problem that many will not touch, but this ministry will address it because God's people need to know the truth that they may be free. And because God has told all of His ministers to preach and teach the truth. [John 8:32]

(I will continue and refine this teaching on marriage as we go along.)

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1.) Some social scientists have labeled the current multiple marriage pattern seen in the United States as Serial Polygamy--the practice of having one wife/husband after another one.
2.) There are many sociological books that discuss human need.
3.) Paul argues that it is better for a man if he not touch a woman, but he acknowledged that not all men can bear that. Jesus also talked about various men who are eunuchs and that not all men can bear this. But that it is a gift. [Mat. 19:11-12]

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