Bed is undefiled

The Word of Truth Ministries

Marriages of Hatred, Disguised in Words of Love
_________________
Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed is undefiled...
Heb. 13:4

--The Bed is Undefiled--
[Part 5]

Among Holiness Christian churches there is too little discussion about a major problem present in most of the congregants' marriages: the marriage bed. While, indeed, this subject has to be talked about with great discretion and certainly not over a pulpit, it has to be talked about because it is a prominent problem in the marriage institution. Paul gives us grounds for this discussion, as he wrote, marriage is honorable in all and the bed is undefiled. And since this is the case, when there are those problems that need discussion, those problems should be discussed.

First, let me say, this discussion is not about marital infidelity, but marital dysfunctional behavior on the part of the parties of a marriage. Second, I do not intend to discuss this problem as a trained counselor, but a minister of God and a man of common sense.

I have heard and known of married couples having not engaged in the martial act for years. But because it is a major matter in any marriage, such an absence poses dysfunctional behavior in a marriage, and that dysfunction may be sin depending on how it comes about and how long it continues.

Marriage assumes that the parties to a marriage have abolished amorous want by their marriage. Yet many marriages are afflicted by want and dysfunction. I should state here that the dysfunction this message speaks about does not cover medical matters, but dysfunction based upon a number of marital-created problems that should not exist among Holy Ghost filled people of God.

I. Consent and Defrauding
Paul writes that the bodies of the married parties should not be denied to each other, except by consent and that for a time and for purposes of seeking the Lord. He calls a denial that is not under those circumstances defrauding each other. Consent must be normal and wittingly given. When there is a de facto consent based upon mutual dislike or mutually inflicted pain so that one or both parties do not have a taste to engage in intimacy, that is not Godly consent of the parties because that is a state that is not supposed to exist among saints who are married. That is mutual defrauding going on in the marriage. [1 Cor. 7:5]

The above condition is a state that many marriages are in--the parties to the marriages have afflicted, stressed, harassed, tormented, demeaned, and harmed each other in so many little and large ways that amorous desires, normal among married couples even after the first five years, has died. That absence of desire, often mutual or that becomes mutual, functions as consent to not come together as is normal for married people. This de facto condition is not normal; it is a corruption of the normal marriage process. God gave Adam a wife, not a sister.

The marriage union functions symbolically as the most intimate aspect of the relationship that the church has and will have to Christ, and for our saintly unions to degenerate to such an anomalous state that there is no intimacy in them is for human beings to shame the symbolic nature of that union and corrupt an institution and symbol God has created.

II. Consequences of postponing Repairs
It is almost unbelievable that two Holy Spirit filled followers of Christ could be so estranged from each other while married and living in the same house that they would, for prolonged periods of time, not engage each other in the most intimate physical act that two people engage in. That absence of intimacy is the most demonstrative evidence available that there is something drastically wrong with the marriage and that it needs fixing without postponement.

When there are problems, truly saved Christians fix those problems immediately; they do not postpone the repairs. To postpone fixing martial problems will only allow them to worsen. And marriage is too important an institution to not fix its problems when they arise. Postponement of the repairs in a marriage often leads to divorce or marriages that become crucibles of pain.

I charge any party who is in a situation that has no intimacy, and one or both of the parties say that it is OK (their absence of intimacy) not to believe that party. The sex drive is one of the most powerful natural drives that human beings possess. Once it has been expressed on a normal basis in marriage, it cannot simply be dismissed because two parties are not passionate toward each other any longer. If they have lost their passion for each other, that passion is still unleashed and it will spring up elsewhere. God gave the marriage institution to satisfy and control those passions.

If intimacy dysfunction continues as the state of behavior in a marriage, that continuity of absence will breed a sense of normality, and gestalts will soon emerge that will sanction that behavior as habit, and that habit as normal. But this failure of married couples to engage each other intimately it is not at all normal; it is an abnormality and goes against one of the very purposes for which God created the marriage union. I repeat: God purposely gave Adam a wife, not a sister.

III. The Helpmeet Function
Man needed a helpmeet, the scripture teaches, therefore, God made woman for man and married them into one. Yes, there are greater ramifications and types and shadows involved in marriage, but the Bible teaches that God saw man and realized that he needed a helpmeet. [Gen. 2:18]

There are certain things a man by himself cannot do by or for himself; he needs a female that is compatible with him. A man, I speak discreetly, cannot satisfy those particular needs that a woman was made to satisfy, not withstanding a hue and cry from our modern Sodom and Gomorrah contenders. When God saw Adam's need, he made a woman for him as the mechanism for meeting those needs--she is a helpMEET.

IV. Marital Discretion and Privacy
When there is a problem a marriage needs to deal with, there are a number of concerns that a saint must keep in mind in any discussion of intimate matters that arise in a marriage. First, intimate matters should not be discussed between a wife and a pastor alone or if ever. That is simply imprudent, inadvisable, and it violation of the confidentiality of the marriage and the marriage bed. What transpires between that married couple is sacrifice between them and no other man or woman, including a pastor or a minister, should be privy to those matters unless the couple agrees and shares them together. But even that is inadvisable.

Furthermore, because a minister may have proficiency in the Word of God, it does not necessarily mean that he has a clue to or the qualifications for counseling in matters of intimacy. Counseling is quite different than teaching or preaching. Allow no minister to tell you differently. Were he a man of God, he would direct you to a qualified counselor and not himself.

I have seen disasters in the making, flawed confidentialities, destroyed marriages, abuses of religious positions, etc., through sharing intimacies with pastors and the wrong individuals.

It is a violation of the marriage bed by wives as they go to pastors and ministers assuming they were so godly that they were not affected by sensitive, fragile and intimate matters and as if they would not share those matters or take advantage of those matters. For a wife or a husband individually to share the confidentialities of their marriage bed to a minister or a pastor is the equivalence of uncovering a husband's or the wife's nakedness. There are biblical principles against such dishonorable acts. [Lev. 20:11-21;] A minister who attempts to move in such realms in a female saint's life is unlearned and attempting to intrude into matters he should not have access to. Do not allow him such access!

I have heard of cases of ministers saying to certain members that they were pastor of the individual saint at church and at the home. This utter foolishness is from one who has no notion of what a pastor's role is, and he is trying to make that role one of lord over a saint--a role God never intended and you should never allow. The allowance of untoward authority of pastors and ministers is the very way Jim Jones started. A saint should never be subjugated to a pastor or any minister, but to God's Word and it alone! This foolishness and gross ignorance must be stopped!

Secondly, A wise minister would discourage and not tolerate intimate disclosures. A wise minister trained to counsel--and let no one foolishly tell you that because he is a minister he is trained to counsel; such a person who says such thing is a foolish minister, and you should get as far from him as possible because, aside from being ignorant, he is also dangerous.

The scripture teaches that aged women should first be examples of soberness and good works then that they should teach the young women how to love their husbands and be keepers of the house. But one must be careful of these older women; some are merely busybodies, some are not wise, some are not discreet, and some are vain talkers who need to be taught what to teach young women and how to behave themselves. To confide in them is to confide over a megaphone to the entire church and surrounding community. They may, as the scripture says, blaspheme the Word Of God by their behavior. [Titus 2:3]

Intimacies and sensitive aspects of one's life and marriage should not be openly or easily revealed to one who is called a brother or sister. Paul realized that he was among false prophets and false brothers, and those false Christians did not die out with the great apostle's death--they are still around. That is one of the reasons he told Timothy to lay hands on no man suddenly. [1 Tim. 5:22] They should be proven first. Was not John admonished to write what God said about the church in Revelation? I know where Satan's seat is in the church. [Rev. 2:13]

V. New Testament Changes
A marriage as initially given to man was and still is a gift of God to fulfill a need that man had and still has. The marriage's primarily focus was for the benefit of man, but in the New testament Church God has moved His holy apostles to soften much of the harshness of the Old Testament.

A man cannot put away his wife for just any reason; only for specific reasons. In the New Testament a man is obligated to love his wife as himself, for to love her is to love his own flesh. She is a part of him that makes him whole and co-heirs of the grace of God with the husband. She is a part of him that is to be honored and respected because man is the stronger vessel, he is to be a protector. [Eph. 5:33; 1 Pet.3:7]

In the New Testament, the wife has equal power of the husband's body as he has over hers. [1 Cor. 7:3] This is why when there is a problem with intimacy and other aspects of a marriage that problem must be addressed.

Marriage is an institution that God has given, and He expects that we would maintain that institution. If we remember, God gave Adam and Eve the Garden of Eden and told them to keep it. [Gen. 2:15] Likewise, He has given us the marriage institution and expects that we will keep it and nourish it as is the need. If your marriage is in disarray, I suggest you attend to this problem immediate.

Marriage is a gift of God, and the gifts and calling of God are without repentance. [Rom. 11:29] And contrary to some interpretations, this truth of God means that if God gives you a gift, you cannot simply stop using it or exercising it. Jeremiah tried that and found that he could not repent of his ministry. [Jerim. 20:9]

VI. Conclusion
A major problem with many church marriages, especially Holiness Churches, is that of the marriage bed, and that problem generates other abstract problems that affect not only the marriage but also family relations, job performance, health, social functioning, etc. Many problems in life could be overlooked were this problem of the bed addressed successfully, but when it is not, insignificant matters become more significant than they are in fact.

These are the abstract effects of weaken marriages that many saints allow to continue in that weaken state. And as these weaken marriages continue, we see their problems bleeding into other institutions, and that could and usually does harm their offspring and other institutions.

You are obligated by God to nurture and build the marriage He has given you so that it functions in the way He intended it to. When there are problems, such as the lack of passion and intimacy, the marriage is not functioning as it should. The absence of passion and intimacy, believe it or not, is a putrefying sore that must be treated or it will kill the marriage, it will affect your standing with God, and it may affect your eternal salvation. []

Part Six

Home